


donum vitae

by jackopancake



Category: Gintama
Genre: Autistic Character(s), Biracial Character, Character(s) with BPD, Character(s) with Major Depressive Disorder, Discussion of Abortion, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Father-Daughter Relationship, Fatherhood, Gay Character(s), Gen, Growing Up, Joui War Sakamoto/Gintoki, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon Sakamoto/Nobunobu, Postpartum Depression, Pre-Canon, Raising a Child, Single Father, Slice of Life, Trans Character(s), Trans Pregnancy, Transitioning, character(s) with PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-11-12 18:37:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11167701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackopancake/pseuds/jackopancake
Summary: Sakamoto Tatsuma is 23, at the prime of his life, and struggling with trauma-fueled depression. A reckless one-night stand changes his life and provides him a reason to fight: a daughter. With her comes the challenge of being pregnant while transgender, being both mother and father, and of being a single parent to one rather energetic child.IN THE MIDDLE OF REVISING. Please don't read unless you're willing to reread.





	1. Prelude to the Story

**Author's Note:**

> I've been planning this one for awhile now. This is super self-indulgent, but I also felt like I had to breach a topic most writers don't, which is covered in Sakamoto's experiences in this fic. Shout-out to a good friend of mine for helping me write certain topics properly!

**REVISING. PLEASE ADVISE FROM READING.**

It was hot, hot, hot.

And Gintoki was pissed off. Sakamoto could see it; he didn’t hide his anger all too well when it came to the merchant’s antics. He could only laugh as the other tried to strangle him.

“Hey, it’s hot, don’t fight…” the boy muttered. The girl started to wander off, and the boy chased after her. “Kagura!” Sakamoto seemed to observe the two of them carefully, even as Gintoki dropped his ass back on the burning sand to see what they were hollering about.

The heat was starting to get to him. When Gintoki called out that there was water, he stood up and wandered on over towards him, vision blurring and distorting a little. He blinked a few times. He swore he saw the figure of the host he crushed on back at Kabuki, or was it just Gintoki…?

He then heard a cry of relief, and the cheers of the stranded passengers. Sakamoto looked up and noticed what they were celebrating: his ships were here. Sakamoto grinned. Ah, so he would get to see her again! His mind had been racing; it was calm now.

The first person he saw once the ship landed was Mutsu, as expected.

“Aha, thank you for coming to pick me up!”

“This is why we put a tracker in your gun,” Mutsu grumbled. The passengers started to file into the main ship. “This is the last time I’m chasing you this far. Our ships are for merchant business, not search and rescues.”

“Ah, that’s what you say, but in reality-”

She slammed a water bottle into the other’s hands to shut him up. “No, she can deal.”

Oh.

He chugged the bottle before crushing it in his hands and flicking the discarded plastic at Mutsu’s head. She caught it. “On that train of thought, you really do need to stop wandering off. What if something happens to you? You’re not just the brains of this whole operation anymore.”

In a way, he felt guilty about that. He didn’t really think about that even after six years. Almost seven. “I can’t help it, I love Earth men the best!” He retorted, hoping to shake off the bad feelings.

“I hope your head rots off and you _die_.”

“Haha… you little _shit_ … but I’m no match for a brute woman like you.”

With that, the boy stepped forward a bit. “Sakamoto, not to intrude but… what is all this?” He was a young kid; he adjusted his glasses. Sakamoto laughed. “She said a business of sorts?”

“That’s right, this is my trading company. My fleet I put together with my own two hands and a bit of a silver tongue. What’s your name, kiddo?”

“Shimura Shinpachi.”

He gave Shinpachi a tour of the ships. If young blood was interested in his business, that was great! It meant a larger pool of possibilities to inherit the Kaientai after he retired. Or died. Whichever one came first. He smiled. Even if Shinpachi wasn’t actually interested in the Kaientai itself, he might be interested in starting his own business, yes? The boy seemed smart; he nodded along as Sakamoto spoke about what they carried, where they got it from, and the guns fastened on the ship. “We had to upgrade the cannons because space, when you get down to it, can be dangerous, especially with pirates, so you have to have the top notch brands to keep safe. And I’m rich, so I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

He finished up showing Shinpachi around and leaned against the side of the ship. Shinpachi made a noise of admiration. “Woah, you’re not such a moron after all!”

He winced.

“Aha, a moron, eh? Can I cry now?” he said in yet another attempt to brush it off. Shinpachi waved his hands apologetically in response. He was a good kid. “Say… kid, you want a lesson on motives?”

“Uh… sure.”

Sakamoto smiled. “The core of what motivates people isn’t military might or ideology… it’s profit. It’s what someone can gain. I fought in a war. Business prevents loss of life and encourages growth of wealth instead. It’s beneficial for everyone involved.” He glanced downwards, holding a hand out towards the rest of his ships. A variety of people are running around down below - men, women, even a few Amanto workers. “This is how I protect the country now. Some people try to take down the government, some try to blow everything up, but it’s okay. We all have our ways. Some are just more extreme than others.”

Shinpachi nodded along. “That’s impressive. My boss is always so wrapped up in himself.”

“Oh, him? He’s a man other than me with no point.” He didn’t see it, but Shinpachi’s face fell a bit with those words. “But a man who attracts people to him possesses something special. There was something about him inside that drew you to him, yes?”

Shinpachi was about to speak when heavy footsteps interrupt them. Sakamoto was grabbed by the collar, and he laughed as Gintoki yanked him within punching distance. Behind him, Kagura trailed, holding up her little umbrella as she went along. Behind both of them was a littler girl, kindergarten age, carrying a basket full of water bottles for the stranded passengers. She brightened up when noticing Sakamoto despite him being a inch close from a strangling.

“ _When did you have a daughter_?!”

 

 

It was obvious.

The girl had his freckles and his eyes. She almost seemed like some sort of carbon copy, except her skin was darker and her hair was coarser, darker, and pulled up in a bun. Currently she was wearing a cute button-up with overalls. He couldn’t even try to brush _this_ off. It wasn’t like Sakamoto Akiko was being kept a secret. To Gintoki, of course, what he knew of Sakamoto’s past plus seeing a child was damning. “Um, ask her. Tell the nice man how old you are.”

The girl held up six fingers. “I’m six. But I’m turning seven real soon! In April.” She pointed to the other girl. “Daddy, I met a new friend, and we’re gonna go play now!” She grabbed Kagura’s hand. “If that’s okay with you, that is.”

“Sweetheart, no, you still have to hand those water bottles out. Go on. You can play once they’re all gone.”

Akiko nodded and proceeded to still drag Kagura along with her towards a group of passengers. Kagura didn’t seem to mind. Sakamoto turned back to the once again pissed face of Sakata Gintoki, who was also sweating buckets. Sakamoto reached up a hand and poked the other’s cheek.

“Why are you so upset that I have a daughter?”

Gintoki started to shake Sakamoto. “I know you in a _lot_ of ways and… Seriously! I thought you said-” He couldn’t finish, and the other couldn’t retort, as suddenly there are people flying in the air and a fear filled Sakamoto. “What the…?” Gintoki dropped him.

“Is this a hallucination?”

“No, it’s very much real…”

It was all so sudden, but there was a sand bug attacking the Kaientai. Crew members entangled in the sand bug’s tentacles were screaming. Sakamoto caught something whip past out of the corner of his eye and kind of just stared at it. Like a dumbass.

What happened next was a blur, but there was a familiar laughter, and soon Sakamoto was careening into the air via a rather large tentacle. There was too much adrenaline flowing through his body for him to get sick now. Akiko was being pulled backwards by Kagura, but the girl was struggling to escape her grasp. Impossible, considering. She bit Kagura in her attempt to get free. “I gotta, I gotta go to him, let me go!”

He yelled at her to stay back. If she got captured, he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. He wiggled his hand out of the grip he was in and fired his gun at the monster, freeing the others except himself. The grip got tighter. Ah, fuck. He hesitated for a second too long, and his other arm got restrained before he could shoot the one holding him. His gaze shot towards Akiko. “Why didn’t he freeing himself?” Shinpachi asked Mutsu. “If we don’t do something, he’s going to die here!”

She didn’t answer. All she said was, “He isn’t the type to die here.”

“No, he’s going to die!”

The chaos that ensued was tremendous. The crew starts firing the cannons at the bug, which just pissed it off more than it was. It started to pull the ship under, and with it went Sakamoto, down into the sand. He reached a hand out. Shinpachi screamed something, but he couldn’t hear it over the churning of sand.

He was calm. He slipped under, and the bug released him.

If this was it, that was fine. There was nothing he could do anymore. He fought as much as he could. Kagura was holding Akiko’s face into her stomach, blocking her view so she didn’t have to see her father die. And yet… well, Sakamoto still had a hope. Would he say he had given up? No.

We all know how the story goes.

As he drifted under the sand, his thoughts wandered. He thought back to when he finally found Gintoki again after so long. He wasn’t sure why his mind went there, maybe it was one of the happier memories. Go into space and snag planets, he had said.

_What a strange man. But..._

But without him, he wouldn’t had gone into space. Without space, he wouldn’t have Akiko. Life was funny that way. He thought of her birth; his body wracked with pain but oh was it worth it. And, just as he expected, Gintoki reached a hand down for him.

He grabbed it. Tightly.

As long as Gintoki was here, he could keep going.

He gasped and choked when reaching air. Everyone cheered when the dust settled. He sat up and started to laugh, getting a glare from Gintoki, but he couldn’t help it. Yet again he evaded death! How could he not laugh? He glanced up and saw Akiko barrelling towards him at full speed, and he caught her with ease as she flung herself on him. “I thought I told you to pass out those water bottles,” he joked.

Her face scrunched up, and she wrapped her tiny arms around his neck. “Daddy, that’s not funny.” He held her tightly.

 

 

“Tatsuma, I need to know.”

They were sailing the stars back to Earth now. Gintoki and Sakamoto were standing in the captain’s quarters. Sakamoto was still shaking sand out of his hair in the bathroom, and the little one was asleep on his bed.

“Know what?”

Gintoki gestured to Akiko, and Sakamoto caught it in the mirror.

“Oh. I made a few choices, that’s all.” He gritted his teeth at the silence that followed. Sakamoto exited the bathroom and planted himself on the bed next to Akiko. “I know what I said in the war, but… well, where I was emotionally before her conception isn’t something I like to talk about. You know, I like to keep a positive face and all that!” He grinned. “I’ve moved past it. Just had a rough time after the war is all.”

“This is me you’re talking to,” Gintoki retorted, leaning against the wall. “I already know the deepest, darkest shit about you, so just spill it. You had a rough time _during_ the war, too, so I want to know.”

“...Everything?”

Gintoki huffed. “Why not, at this point. We have time.”

Sakamoto nodded. “Alright. Gimme a sec.” He picked Akiko up and put her in her napping bed, which was in the same room, and closed the screen that separated them. He clapped and rubbed his hands together in thought, hummed, and then inhaled. “It started almost four years after I obtained the Kaientai. I… did something reckless. Really reckless. Up until then, I did a lot of reckless shit, but this… this topped it all, consequence wise.”

He laughed, quietly.

“I met a guy on a beach.”


	2. Revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: heavy mentions of the possibility of abortion
> 
> This is where the real story begins.

_ Seven years earlier… _

He was sick, again.

It’s the fourth fucking day in a row. Shit. He leaned back against the bathroom wall. This one was particularly bad, too. He might have to cancel the logistics meeting and go lay down for a couple of hours.

Maybe it was a bug from their last vacation. Jyouhin was known for it’s… hidden curses. What an unique planet; going there had been an adventure. As usual, Sakamoto went tomcatting.

Yes, Sakamoto met a guy on a beach. He was a man from Earth who had lived on a small, tropical island chain, and damn was he hot. A sunset, flirting, alcohol… soon he was being fucked hard, and he enjoyed it just as much, even if it was a little… eh, stale closer to the end. A beach sunrise was prettier than a beach sunset to him. 

The man, Kalani, stated that he wanted to get away from Earth but wanted to stay somewhere familiar, so he settled on Jyoushin. They traded numbers to keep in contact. He was a decent guy, after all.

That was a month ago, though.

...Maybe he should go to the doctor again. He called Mutsu and told her to postpone the logistics meeting for the afternoon. Sakamoto stood up, washed his face, and then made his way to the medical bay, not bothering to change out of his pajamas. He wondered how shitty he looked.

Doc just seemed annoyed. “Back again?”

“Yeah, the new shit’s not cutting it.”

“This is unusual for you.” She started to examine Sakamoto. “Usually the motion sickness goes away once we’re in deep space. You sure it’s that?”

Sakamoto was certain. “At this point, no. Stomach flu?”

The doctor shook her head immediately. “No way. That’s only 24 hours. I’d say an actual flu, but you don’t have any other flu-like symptoms… do you just have a generally sensitive stomach?”

“Not this sensitive.”

The doctor thought for a moment before crossing her arms. “One last question. Are you sexually active?”

“I always am,” he chirped almost immediately, like he was proud of the fact.

The woman nods. “I’ll just give you some anti-nausea meds, and drink lots of water. Oh, since you’re here, I just want to remind you that your next scheduled treatment is Wednesday.” She filled a bag with a couple of items and handed it over. Sakamoto rifled through the bag, and he froze.

“Why’d you give me a pregnancy test?”

“You said you were sexually active, and you’re sick every day, which could be a symptom of pregnancy. It’s just a hunch, but use it, okay? If you’re pregnant we’ll have to stop the testosterone treatments. You know this.”

Yeah, yeah, they’ve talked about this. 

In his cabin, he stared at the box. ‘100% guaranteed accurate results or your money back.’ Well, he certainly hadn't paid for this. Damnit... He caved. Why not give it a try? 

He ripped open the box, discarding it before wandering into the bathroom. Besides, he had to cover all his bases. If he was pregnant, he needed to know. He didn't want to know.

Somehow, the results of the test didn’t surprise him. And yet it terrified him. When he finally took a look at it, the two faint lines that appeared on the test made him freeze up.

It was positive. The silence that followed was deafening. 

And for awhile, his mind went blank.

What was he supposed to do? He leaned his forehead against the wall. The shock of it all hit him. Someone on this damn ship must know what to do. He wasn’t going to go to the doctor until he knew what he was going to do. Sakamoto racked his brain for anyone else who might have advice on this.

_ My children don't really talk to me anymore! Not even for Mother's Day!  _ He recalls a certain voice saying this. He picked up the bathroom phone.

_ Granny, your children think you're dead. _

 

 

“...You met a guy. You know that’s anyone’s real downfall, right? Men. Certainly was mine.”

Fifteen minutes and an explanation later, Sakamoto had grown more exhausted than he was before. Granny was in the doorway, arms crossed. This really was a lovely way to spend the evening. (Lovely as in terrible.)

“Ahaha, Granny, it was just a one-night stand kind of deal.” He didn't sound convincing. His fake laughter charade could only last for so long, and it certainly wasn’t prepared for unplanned pregnancy. “I just need advice on… what I should do.” He didn't have a precedent for this he could just look back on like with everything else in his life.

He felt sick again, but he wasn’t sure if it was “oh god I fucked up” or something else.

“When did this happen?”

“...On Jyouhin. He thought I was a funny guy for wearing a full outfit on a beautiful beach day, I thought he was weird for approaching me in the first place. We spoke, we started to flirt, and I followed him home. And I’m sure it was him because this was a month ago, and I haven’t had sex since. I’m on  _ testosterone _ , and yet I still somehow got pregnant?”

“Did you two use-”

“No.”

Granny was fast, and she yanked Sakamoto by his ear. He just started to laugh. “You piece of shit boy, you know you’re supposed to use a condom!”

“G-Granny, it was an act of passion! Pleaseletmegoithurts.”

She let him go. “I have three children, I understand ‘acts of passion’ plenty, but this is ridiculous, Captain. You should think about the consequences of going on drinking binges and having sex with every man you know before you do it. You need to fix your life.”

“I think you’re going a bit off topic now.” He’d been reckless and thought his testosterone treatments were birth control enough. Sakamoto rubbed his ear. Ow, ow, it still stung, why do the elders always resort to ear pulling? Why’d he ask her for help? She was the oldest on the ship, so, she must have experience with this sort of thing. But all she was doing was ripping his ears off and lecturing him on his own free will.

“You have a couple of options,” she muttered. He knew them. So she wasn’t going to give him any advice? Just lecture him on his choice and then tell him what he already knew? So much for that.

But he knew she meant well. She cared, or else she wouldn’t had tugged on his ear and yelled at him for his constant stupid decisions. 

“I’ll make an appointment with the doctor.”

Granny frowned a little. He knew she would love for him to keep the child. “You going to terminate it?”

“Dunno. But if I keep it, I’ll still have to talk to the doctor.” 

 

 

He laid down on his bed that night, thinking. Thinking. The appointment was for tomorrow. Only Granny knew at this point, and if he decided to end it, no one would have to know. He could keep transitioning.

But maybe Sakamoto had a deeper fear. He didn’t mind having children, actually. Being a dad was an exciting concept to him, but also… terrifying. He was afraid of being a bad father. He didn’t know how to juggle work life and home life, and after the first year, he’d go back to work, and… 

He wasn’t even doing that good of a job taking care of himself.

He stuffed his face in his pillow.

And yet… 

There was a knock at the door. He rolled over just a bit, noticing Mutsu. She looked pretty pissed. “You missed an important meeting, dumbass.”

He didn’t even feel bad about it. “Sorry, I…  couldn't make it. I had an emergency come up.”

“What sort of emergency?”

He wasn't sure how to answer that. Instead, he just rolled over. “It doesn't concern you.” There was a long pause before Mutsu spoke again.

“So, what's this then?”

Sakamoto sighed. “What do you think? You have eyes that work, use them.”

“I’m not touching it! It’s probably gross knowing you.”

Damn, she found it. He had left one of the tests on his drawer. “I don't know what to do,” he muttered, sitting up. “I know it's my choice. I just…” His voice trailed off. “Granny certainly wasn't any help. All she did was yank on my ear.”

“Wait, wait, what do you mean?”

He just stared at her. Mutsu glanced at the test, which was face-down, before glancing back at Sakamoto. “No way…”  Sakamoto stuffed his face in his pillow again. “So... you asking me for help then? Just so you know, I’m only 17 and I’ve never had a kid in my life, moron.”

He didn't answer. She took that as a yes and sat down on his bed. He started to explain his reasoning. If he terminated it, he’d be able to go back to transitioning. Otherwise he’d have to pause for a year. He’d be able to stay the CEO of a growing company, and he was only 22. On the other hand, it would be hard, everything about the procedure would be hard. “Okay. Have you considered what it will do for you to  _ keep  _ it?”

“Eh? I hear raising a child is worthwhile. Gives a new experience and all that.”

She smacked the back of his head. Hard. “No. Don't think about experience. Like… how would it benefit you from where you are now. I think that’s your issue. You aren’t considering the pros and cons of both. My lips are sealed, but do that and… whatever you chose, get back to me. I’m your vice.”

Mutsu got up and left, closing the door behind her.


	3. Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: minor transphobia

The doctor’s appointment was in a few hours.

Sakamoto made his choice. He hadn’t slept that night; it took him hours of pacing, mumbling, writing, and sticking his head in the toilet twice to figure out what he needed to do. For awhile, Mutsu’s words made no sense.

How would it benefit him?

Well, he’d have to raise a child now! Wasn’t that benefit enough? That was pro enough. That would be the biggest change in his life. Then he would have to - and that was when he realized what Mutsu’s words truly meant.

He had to both separate himself from the baby and think of himself in conjunction with the baby. He visited the ship library and read word after sentence after page about carrying a child. He poured over all the books they had. 

It hit him.

This was… this wasn’t just a curse. It was a saving grace.

Maybe it was selfish of him. He reclined in the library chair. Was it selfish to keep a baby for his own good? To use it like that? Who knew. But there was one thing he did know. If he kept up his current path… if he didn’t “fix his life” as Granny put it… he would be dead.

To support this baby, he needed to change his entire life around. The war took a toll on him greatly, and it showed. Even if the people around him didn’t know the context, it was still… fairly obvious. He stood up and went back to his room to catch a bit of sleep.

  
  


“Well? Did you use the test?”

“Yeah.”

“And…?”

Sakamoto bit his lip before nodding. The doctor just grinned. Ugh. It was like a stab in the heart to see her so cocky about this, like she had wanted it to happen. “You seem pleased.”

The doctor glanced away and laughed. “I just like it when my intuition is right.” Right. Something felt off about this whole thing, but he didn’t question it for now. “Have you decided on what you’re going to do…?”

He nodded. She looked goddamn giddy, and he has an ugly feeling that she’ll jump for fucking joy when he reveals his answer.

“I’m going to keep it.”

Sure shit, the doctor is ecstatic and almost whoops. Sakamoto just squints. Does she not understand what he’ll have to go through for this? “So no more treatments, I’m assuming.”

“No. Dangerous for the baby. You can start them back up once it’s born.” Doc jots down notes on a clipboard. “There’s also a few other things you’ll need to cut down on. You also need to stop binding.”

“I know, I know. I read a bunch of books in the library today.” He winked. Doc just laughed in response. “Ah, this isn’t for anyone else to know, got it? I’ll say it when I’m ready. Honestly, I’m… nervous about stopping everything. And nervous in general.”

“That’s normal. Don’t worry! I’m sure you’ll be a good mother-father-whatever.”

He left the doctor with a bottle of vitamins and a need to really strangle someone. He popped one of the vitamins. It tasted… pretty awful. He almost gagged on it. Time to grind these up in milkshakes just to properly take them.

He jumped when noticing a movement out of the corner of his eye, but it was just Mutsu. All he had to do was hold up the vitamins for her to get the message, and she stood up. “When will I take over?”

“When she’s born. Either that or I have to be bedridden. Read it in a book. Ms. I-Am-Creepily-Excited-For-This in there only gushed about… well, me.”

Mutsu frowned. “She?”

“Oh. My family has a tendency to give birth to girls. That probably applies to me too. Though one didn’t stay a girl! Ha ha!” He put a hand on his chest. “Me!”

“What if you’re wrong?”

Sakamoto smirked and held out a hand. “Well, if I’m right, you gotta babysit. If I’m wrong, I’ll pay you 10000 yen.”

“No.”

“What about, ah, a large supply of buns all for you…?”

Mutsu stuck her hand out to meet Sakamoto’s. “Sold.” She took the bait!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's still Monday here!
> 
> Sorry for the delay + it's short. Been con crunching. No chapter next week due to AX! If you're gonna be there, hmu if you want!


	4. Physical Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only time I'm gonna talk about symptoms and stuff like that. Hope you enjoy!

It was gonna be a long 8 months.

Case in point: it was a week later when one of his favorite meals was on the menu for lunch: takoyaki. He always loved takoyaki ever since he was a kid. His mom made especially good ones, which used more octopus than the recipe normally calls for. Needless to say, he was excited.

Excited up until he stepped into the kitchen and the smell of the food cooking hit him in the face. He grew queasy almost immediately. It smelled  _ bad _ . Had it always smelled this bad? The frying dough… the octopus… the takoyaki sauce, it was like he could smell it all at once and separately at the same time, and it was disgusting.

He quickly turned around and walked out. A lot of the crew watched in confusion. Didn’t he like this? Well, he did, but if he had stayed any longer he would’ve puked all over the floor. He’d go to the little snack store they had and buy something there for lunch.

Granny, however, had other plans, and promptly brought him a plate of the fiendish smelling dish. He locked himself in the bathroom.

“You not hungry?”

“It’s not that… the smell makes me sick… please take that out.”

She nodded and threw the tray out the door. That wasn’t what he wanted, but… “Want something else instead?”

He opened up the bathroom door.

“Some goddamn peace and quiet! And maybe a hamburger… with Pringles on it…”

“Okay, I can… wait,  _ Pringles _ ?”

“Yeah, the… the cupcake caramel flavored ones from Korea…”

Granny shook her head but brought Sakamoto a burger anyway, sans cupcake caramel Pringles (it had chicken and waffle Lays chips instead). Sakamoto didn’t complain. “Granny, did… did you have kids?”

She nodded. “Three.”

“What did you experience?”

“A lot about what you are. The food aversions and cravings. Every time I couldn’t stand mochi, but each one was different when it came to what I wanted. It was all normal stuff though, you weirdo.”

“You know, I was joking about the Pringles part, but this isn’t that bad, actually.” They laughed.

  
  


“Captain, you’re breaking out.”

“Huh?”

One of the janitors, a French man named Aubin, pointed at Sakamoto’s face. “Yeah, you have a big one on your chin, and a bunch of smaller ones on your cheek and forehead.”

He stared at himself in the bathroom mirror for ten whole minutes trying to figure out what to do about this. He had a big meeting later today, and if his clients saw him with pimples all over his face, that wouldn’t end too well. And Sakamoto knew scrubbing his face wouldn’t make them go away in time.

“You’re really fucking me up, you know that right?” he muttered to no one in particular. He stuck a bunch of bandaids on his face. It looked worse now, but at least he could lie about what they were for. 

The meeting was going okay. He quickly whipped up a story about how the ship cats got into a fight and tore his face up. They all believed him; he made lies sound so believable. It was scary. At that moment, morning sickness hit.

Hard.

He threw up all over the table. Everyone yelped and jumped back, and he just looked miserable.

They gave him the deal out of pity. Mutsu found him laying down a bit later.

“How you holding up?”

“Do I really have to do this for eight more months? Don’t answer.”

Mutsu just laughed. He made a face at her. “The journey isn’t always the easiest thing, but the rewards are what make it worth it. Well, that’s what I’ve been told,” she responded.

  
  


He didn’t tell anyone he was pregnant yet. He did, however, straight-up tell everyone he was transgender in a company-wide announcement. He gathered everyone in the biggest room on Kairinmaru, a sort of celebration room. “Let’s just get this out of the way. See these boobs that randomly grew on me overnight? They’ve actually been here my whole life, just kind of put under wraps for awhile.” It was, after all, the most painless way to explain the fact he couldn’t bind anymore. He had been getting a few… looks, so he knew he had to set things straight. “Still a guy, though.”

It didn’t surprise anyone at all. There was a bit of chatter.

“You don’t hide it all that well. Once you got drunk and staggered around half the ship, shirtless.”

“What? When did I…”

“I remember that. You were so, so drunk.”

“Listen, I never did that!” he snapped. The hall quieted. His mood had shifted suddenly from calm to irritated, and he rubbed his face. “Sorry. Tired. A lot has come up lately.”

He needed to tell them, eventually.

Mutsu glanced at Granny.

  
  


“I’m gonna do it. I gotta tell them. I can hide it for now, but later? When I get bigger? I can’t. Hell, the mood swings are leaking through, and I already had to tell everyone about my boobs.” He swore they were changing, and it hated it. “Well, no one would have cared whether I had said something or not, but I did so anyway.” 

Mutsu continued sucking on a juice box. She held it out. He took it and finished it off.

“You don’t really have to tell them until you do start showing a bit, but it’s still hidden right now… it should be fine. Hey, I read some of those books of yours. It should get easier in a couple of weeks.”

Luckily, it did. The nausea lessened, and Sakamoto wrangled the mood swings, so he was able to go about his life as usual. Of course, there were some newer symptoms, his feet and back started to ache. The doctors visits were awkward for him, but they were needed. And so far, everything was going well. Really well.

One morning, he realized it. It hit him. In five and a half months… he would have a child of his own. And this realization hit him when he noticed the bump.

That was when an idea came to him. He knocked on Granny’s door.

“Morning, Captain.”

“Er, morning. Question. Do you… have any scrapbooking supplies?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's the writing? Am I going too fast, is the grammar okay, give me some feedback! Thanks for reading.


	5. The Reveal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was told this was, "a really slow slowburn" and I'm proud of that.

The plan was slowly falling into place, as was the scrapbook. When they landed on the planet Suilia, the first thing he did was search far and low for stickers. Granny didn’t have stickers. Luckily, he came across a craft shop, and it had many different colors of stickers for babies. They had lots of different genders on Suilia! “Mutsu,” he had said. “Make sure I only buy three sets of stickers.”

Sadly, he put an entire basket of scrapbook supplies on the checkout counter.

He smiled sheepishly as the centaur amanto lady behind the counter started to scan everything. And there was  _ a lot _ ; it takes a lot of stickers and pieces of paper and decorative borders to fill up an entire basket.

At first, the cashier didn’t say anything. When she got to the baby stickers, however, she smiled. “Expecting?”

“...Yeah.”

“Oh, congrats. I have two foals myself.”

It dug it in deeper that this was really happening. He paid for everything and shuffled out. It was about to rain, so it was best to get back to the ship before it did so. Here, it rained  _ glass _ and no one on the Kaientai was prepared for that.

Once on board, Sakamoto dumped the supplies on the ground, spread them out. He had three Polaroid pictures taken of various things - the test, him posing in front of a toilet (ha ha, that was Granny’s idea), his bump. He felt that, since this was an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, he might as well document it in some embarrassing way.

He only had enough content for two pages so far. Well, okay, that was fine...

“Mutsu, what do you think of this design?”

“Why are you asking me? I’m not good at this. Ask Granny.”

“She said it was ugly, but I like it a lot.”

“Then use it! It’s your scrapbook!”

For now, there wasn’t much in it. He knew that it would fill over time, but… oh, there was one more thing he needed. He called up the doc. 

  
  


“Everyone, please gather in the announcement hall after lunch today, thank you.”

  
  


There was a slight chatter. The announcement hall was actually a rather large auditorium with a stage and, in this case, a projector of some sort showing video footage of the podium. Sakamoto stood off stage a bit, holding the scrapbook under his arms.

He was nervous. Mutsu gave him a pat on his shoulder before stepping out. “Is everyone here? The captain will be speaking in one minute. Please give him your full attention.”

Everyone stopped muttering when Sakamoto stepped out. He was wearing more clothes than usual; big, flowy clothes that hide his figure. He smiled at everyone and placed the scrapbook on the podium. The camera facing the podium projected the scrapbook on the screen behind him, and everyone stared in awe. “What’s that, captain?” one of them asked.

“This, my friend, is exactly what it looks like.”

“A.... book?”

“Yes.” Sakamoto crossed his arms. “Not just any book.”

“A recipe book?”

“Does it say recipe to you?!” He adjusted it. “It’s a scrapbook I made of some very important news.” He opened the first page, and it was just decorated in all sorts of stickers and shit. A lot of people shift around. What was going on? Their captain was whacky, yeah, but… Sakamoto looked up. He definitely looked nervous.

“For a few months now, I haven’t known how to tell everyone about her. But I know I have to before she grows bigger. And then I thought, well, I could make a scrapbook. And I can keep up that scrapbook throughout her life.” 

He could hear their whispers. What was he talking about? Another one of his hundreds of cats he has on the ship? He cleared his throat. “Just watch.”

He turns the page.

Everyone hushed. It was the first of the two pages Sakamoto had worked on. He glanced around the auditorium, carefully watching everyone’s expressions. The first page just had the pictures, lots of stickers, borders, but no words. Just images with no context. Sakamoto then pushed the scrapbook over, revealing the next page, and half the crowd started to chatter.

It was an ultrasound.

“She’s due in late April, maybe even June,” he stated. “So in March, I’ll be taking a leave, or beforehand if I have to. You see, that’s because  _ I’m _ the one who is pregnant.”

Now it was everyone who erupted into chatter. Questions, praise, congratulations, it filled the hall, and Sakamoto couldn’t help but smile. “One at a time, one at a time, settle down! Uh you.”

“Who will be captain once you take leave?”

“Mutsu,” he gestured. “of course! She’s vice captain! Vices always take over if the boss isn’t around! Don’t worry, she’ll make a great boss and a great negotiator. You next.”

  
  


Sakamoto lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Today had been a long day. After the assembly, he still had people coming up to him, asking him questions. Some of them he didn’t know the answer to, like whether or not she was going to be born in space or on Earth, if she was really a ‘she’ (it just felt wrong to say ‘it’, and since his family only really had girls…), what her name would be… 

But he did know one answer.

One person had stood up and asked, “Are you going to go to a shrine to pray soon, then?”

Sakamoto had contemplated the answer before nodding. “Yes. We’re going back to Earth right at this moment, no? I technically should’ve gone back the moment I realized the pregnancy to register it on Earth, but hey, I still got my little goodie bag while in space.”

He was registered in space, after all.

Hm, maybe having her born in space wouldn’t be such a bad idea.


	6. Rituals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sakamoto's family makes a brief appearance. Also, vaguely referenced shrine duties.

It was easy for him to calculate how much time it would take to get back to Earth from their current location. Sakamoto, after getting ahold of these ships, poured himself into the specs. Over the past few years, he’s studied each and every trip, the blueprints, the fastest the big ship could go versus the smaller ships, all that. 

Ships were, after all, his special interest.

So when they arrived back on Earth, it was one day before the start of the fifth month. It was January, luckily, so Sakamoto could bundle up under winter clothes. Snow gently drifted down from the clouds. He had a bag over his shoulders and the ever growing scrapbook under his arm.

“If you can’t go to Kabuki, where are you going?” Mutsu asked.

Sakamoto smiled. “Home, via the train. The connection between Okayama and Tosa is brand new, did you know that? Over the water and everything.”

“Do you want me to come?”

“No. This is just between me and them.” He waved and took his leave, buying the train tickets he needed at the ticket station the terminal had.

The ride there was quiet. The bullet trains were always nice to him. At this point, his codename for the child was “the Big Ass Bump Yakuza”, or The BABY. He felt her wiggling around - it always caught him off guard. Sadly, she was rather active today, preventing him from sleeping on the train over.

So small, but so strong.

The ride from Okayama to Tosa was beautiful. Sakamoto couldn’t even attempt to sleep, watching the sunset over the water. The train pulled into the Tosa station that night. Tatsuma smiled as the chipper air hit him in the face. It was a familiar air. 

Normally, he would walk. Today he took the tram. The air whipped through his hair, and he inhaled slowly. Ah, if only he could settle here for the next five months. 

Eventually, he arrived at the house. He glanced through the window - seemed like everyone was just about ready to sit down for dinner. Perfect timing. His father and step mothers are there, and so is his brother and one of his sisters. He knocked.

He smiled when he heard his step-mom’s voice call out. “I’ll get it!” A few more seconds later she opened the door.

“...Tatsuma?”

He waved. “Hey.”

Without much of a warning, she pulled him into a hug. He almost dropped the scrapbook, but caught it just in time. “Mom, Mom, uh, be careful…” The rest of the family started to crowd around. 

He certainly looked different than when they last saw him. 

“It’s good to see you again.” Father smiled. “You look well.” Things were still awkward between the two of them. Ever since he begged to be called ‘Tatsuma’, and ever since he ran off to war, their relationship was a little weird.

“Almost too well,” Otome butted in. His bond with his sister, however, would never change. She whacked him on the shoulder. He immediately frowned. “Oi, what’s up with you? You normally hit me back. You tired or something?”

“More than that.” He laughed, embarrassed. “Can I come in? I’m hungry. Table for two, please.” The statement flew over most of their heads, and they laughed, but the brother, Gonbei, paused. He held up a hand to silence the rest of them.

He then noticed the scrapbook. “Two? Wait. Hold the fuck up.” He pushed through the crowd and examined Sakamoto closer. Very bundled up… weirdly carrying a wildly decorated book… two… “Oh my god. You’re pregnant.”

The family went dead silent.

Sakamoto rolled his eyes. With that, the family seemed relieved. Why would he roll his eyes if he was? “Well, I was going to show you the scrapbook at dinner, but I guess I don’t have to anymore. Tomorrow is the five month mark, so… I came back.”

“...”

“...”

“WHAT?”

  
  


Sakamoto was woken up at the crack of dawn by Mother. She was insistent on bringing him to the shrine that morning.  _ “Why didn’t you tell us earlier?” he had been asked at dinner. _

_ He had shrugged. _

_ “Too busy.” _

Well, now they knew. And just when they thought Chizu was done having kids… Well, the most unexpected source of children just showed up at their door. Mother threw a yukata at him, and he caught it. It was blue, with a print of fans and vines on it, and he realized quickly what kind of yukata this was.

He put it on. He had already accepted the downsides of carrying The BABY, and dressing in women’s yukatas was one of them. It fit him well. The air was even colder that morning, so at least he got to keep bundling up.

“How did it happen?”

“Got reckless with a guy. That’s all there is to it.”

They walked in silence after that. They arrived at the shrine. In his travels, he had seen a variety of cultures and traditions, but nothing felt more homey than his own. They wash up and proceed to pray.

She didn’t put it on him, but Mother gave him a special obi once their prayers were done. On their way back, he stopped walking.

“...Tatsuma. Is everything okay?”

He smiled. “Yeah. I just… I want you to be there when she’s born. But I’m having her in space. I researched it. If I have her in Japan, I’d have to file a shit ton of paperwork to get her up in space with me. There’s a lot of regulations on kids going long-term into space. But if she’s born there, it doesn’t matter.”

Mother looked shocked. 

“So uh… I can arrange you for you and Sis to come with me… because I know she’s wanted to come with for awhile now, and I wouldn’t mind the help.”

There was silence for awhile. He tried to read her expression. Sometimes he can, sometimes he can’t. Today, she gave him a grin. “I would love to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!


	7. Intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: this chapter is focused around talk about how Sakamoto feels about being trans and pregnant, and also pregnancy complications.

“Can I touch it?”

Sakamoto glanced up, cracking one eye open. There stood a little girl; she was one of the original slaves from when the ship belonged to the Chidori. Her hands were on her hips, and she was leaning forward to get a better look at Sakamoto, as he was covered up in a blanket at the moment.

He laughed.

“Touch what?”

The girl puffed out her little cheeks. “Your belly!”

Aw, cute. “Sure, Millie.” Sakamoto sat up and nodded, and the girl happily ran over. He raises his shirt just enough to expose his belly. “She’s quiet today.”

Millie placed a (somewhat chilly) hand on the bump. Ugh. Why were kid’s hands so cold all the time? “What do you mean by that?”

“She’s probably asleep.”

“Stomach babies can sleep?”

Sakamoto laughed before nodding. Millie thanked him with a wave before started to skip out. At that moment, he felt some movement, and a bit of excitement crossed over his face. “Millie-chan! Hey!”

She stopped dead in her tracks and turned. “Oh? What is it?”

He pointed. “Come back and feel again! She’s awake.” Millie excitedly bounded in and placed her hand back on. She let out a small gasp after a few seconds. “Feel her kicking?”

She grinned in response. “What’s it like?”

Sakamoto hummed. “It’s like when your tummy gets the rumblies, but in one spot.” Millie nodded and took her hand away again. She didn’t leave quite yet; she stood there with a thoughtful expression on her face.

“What’s it like having a baby and being a boy?”

That… was not a question Sakamoto expected from her.

What was he even supposed to tell her?

She was old enough to understand, but he wasn’t even sure how to pinpoint his own feelings. He made an exaggerating thinking sound and put his fingers to his chin, causing Millie to giggle a bit. “You’re funny.”

“Am I? I just gotta think about this one.”

Millie rocked on her feet a bit, clasping her hands behind her back. “Dad says that it’s no different than when a girl has a baby. Is that true?”

Sakamoto nodded. “Only physically. But… sometimes it doesn’t feel right in my brain. Outside of this ship, people will see me as someone I’m not because of this, and it… it’s frustrating.”

It reminded him.

_ He was sitting on the sand wrapped in a blanket while watching the sunset. The oranges and reds reflecting off the water gave him something to smile at while he was here. He thought about when to show The BABY her ‘origin’ planet.  _

_ “Tatsuma?” _

_ His head turned to see him. Kalani. He didn’t expected this talk to come so soon, but there hadn’t been much choice anymore. He was already ready for this, deep down. He gave a smile and a wave in return. “Wanna get a drink?” Kalani asked. _

_ “No. I… can’t drink.” _

_ “What, you? The one I thought was determined to drink himself out of house and home?” _

_ “Things change.” Tatsuma stood up. It took Kalani only a second to realize what was going on. “Let’s talk. I’ve made my choice. What are you going to do?” _

Millie’s touch and voice brought him back, and she looked confused. “Baby stopped moving.”

“Baby is sleeping again. Go find your mom, I’m sure she needs something!”

With that, Millie skipped off. 

He went back to organizing his files. 

...He had said no. He had turned down being in her life. Which was fine. It was his choice, but it felt wrong. It felt wrong.

  
  


Business as usual on the Kaientai.

He walked with Mutsu on their way back to his office before dinner. He flipped through a few files on hand absentmindedly. Something felt off. He stared at the files, but couldn’t place them. He couldn’t figure out what he was looking at. He handed them over.

"Mutsu, what do the last quarter's numbers say?"

_ Maybe I’m just tire- _

She glanced down at the folder. "It says that we had a gain of 3% in coffee shipments, but lost a good 7% on -”  _ THUD. _ There was a groan. “Captain?"

He was doubled over on the floor, against the wall. He didn't look so good, face pale, sweaty. He was clutching his stomach. "I think I... i-it's too early..."

Oh, shit. Mutsu helped Sakamoto to his feet. He was in a lot of pain, but other than that, he didn’t show any other signs of labor. Still, Mutsu helped him to the closest phone and called the medbay.

“I think Captain’s going into preterm.”

“Is his water broke?”

“Um… no.” Mutsu heard a sigh of almost relief. “He’s just in a lot of pain.”

Once in the medbay, they got to work. Luckily, while he had gone into a labor, the conditions were right to be able to halt it from progressing further. With the right medication, the contractions ceased. He had a whole crowd of people come visit him afterwards.

One person stuck around.

“Sis,” Sakamoto greeted enthusiastically. “Did you hear? They put me on bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy. Two months of this.”

“Or a month and a half if she’s too impatient.” Otome sat on the side of the bed. “How you feeling?”

Sakamoto went silent for several long seconds. Well… he wasn’t feeling many good emotions at the moment. He glanced away.

Otome shrugged. “Don’t blame yourself. Doubt it was you. Mom worked her ass off until she gave birth to us. Sometimes things just happen.”

“Mm.” 

He laughed.

“As long… as long as I don’t have to worry about her, it’ll be alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, uh, no chap last week because I had my wisdom teeth pulled and I couldn't do shit for ages afterwards. Also, after this week I can't keep up the schedule - school is starting super soon. I'm also going to go back and fix up/rewrite parts and once that's done I'll post chapter 8. Thank you for your patience! I had more I wanted to do with this chap, but I feel pretty satisfied! However, I'll fix it up.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it, give it a kudo. If you REALLY liked it, comment! If you wanna see more, subscribe! Thank you for reading! More soon... will post newest chapter when I get to it, thank you for your patience!
> 
> (* Comments on this fic will be monitored due to my experiences with these topics and the fandom.)


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